tv At Midnight Comedy Central October 30, 2013 8:00pm-8:31pm PDT
etter when you smell like bitch. >> after you smell like baby powder, no one will call you lil again. >> he had to drop that. >> you can't you won't, and you don't perspire. >> let's start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "@midnight." a social media volcano erupting white hot pop culture larva all over it. i'm chris hardwick. our comedians are battling for funniest comedian in the world. headlining the new york comedy festival at u.c.b. chelsea november 6, it's matt braunger. performing at "fun fun fun fest" in austin, texas, november 8 it's patton oswalt. ( cheers and applause ) and from "nikki & sara live," nikki glaser. let's start with our first game
ripped from today's headlines, it's time for "rapid refresh." i'll give you a question with three possible answers. the first to buzz in with the correct answer gets 100 point. the n.b.a. season starts tonight, ending a busy off season,ent for the knick' j.r. smith. what pickup line did he use. a, you trying to get the pike. b, can i holla at ya ghrks ina? c, sup, meet at cheesecake factory? nikki glaser? >> c. >> the correct answer is a. you try to get the pike. >> no way! gl. >> yes! >> i love it. >> i called my vagina the cheesecake factory. that's why i thought it was c. >> well, i forgot-- the questions are very generous. >> i call vaginas chinas.
>> "x-men: days of future past" was released today, and hole crap is the internet excited. one guy here half clapped. the trailer evokes disturbingly sexual responses from the twitter verse. when one of the tweets is from the female fans. thex men trailer south and ( bleep ) me in the ass. i wonder if the market research people are like where do we put that on a chart? b, just watched the trailer trailer for "x-men: days of future past." c, just watched the miew x-men trailer and i think i just took a ( bleep ) out of my dick. i think i think i did. you'd know. patton. >> i have to bow out of this round, the second one's mine. >> not fair. >> you don't take a guess? >> no.
>> nikki? >> ladies first. >> i'm going to definitely say a. >> yes correct answer. is that an appropriate response? >> when you're at expool you miss something you want to get ( bleep ) in the ass. >> girls dough giz and don't take ( bleep ) out of hir diction, because they don't have dicks. >> and you can tell she's a girl. >> you just made me an ( bleep ). >> if the vagina is a cheesecake factory, she wants to get ( bleep ) in at denny's. >> to be fair, to be fair. >> no, her outback steakhouse. >> ah! >> this baby is gone! >> it's over the green monster! >> these misoj insist nifts are good to the world series of hate
hate. the points are low, but we're having fun. ( laughter ) it's time for tonight's hashtag war. i'm going to give you guys a hashtag and i want to you buzz in with as many tweets that fit that hashtag as possible. for each correct example you'll get 100 points. tonight's hashtag is #lamecomicbookcharacters. these might be like the flasher or scat woman or the human povertythe human porchand his arch nemesis the widdler. >> wolverlisterine. >> of. >> glazer? >> centrum silver surfer. yes, point. >> aqua man. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> this man knows his audience. he was pretty awesome. nikki glaser. >> cat lady. >> points yes.
>> sensitive boyfriend. >> is that you in that sweater? points. patton. >> garfield. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> points sure i'll give you that. nikki. >> the black widow-- it's like a woman who lost her husband. >> and she's african american. points. >> team lantern. lantern. team. his penis turned into a lantern. >> i'm sorry no points. >> one more, what is it? >> george clooney's version of batman. >> points. >> what comic book was that? >> you know, he was a very dark character and that iteration of the filmwas all upbeat and a ladies' man. >> and his nipples.
>> and his nipples as well. it is time for our first live challenge. you can go to the roosevelt hotel and have a three sellwith marilyn monroe and montgomery clift, but the clift is very hard to find. >> good god! can we all get points for that? >> no, i think as a society we all lost points for that. i apologize. comedians i want you to please go to your game tablets and write a review of a hotel room where you had goat sex. our comedians are going to write their goat sex reviews during the back. we're be back with more than more than "@midnight."
( cheers and applause ). >> welcome back to "@midnight." before the break shared with you that roadtripper has posted an article about "america's sexiest haunted hotels"," and i asked you to write a yelp review from the point of view of someone who had sex with a ghost in a hotel room. i don't know how you would know that if there were ice crystals
around your rectum, but somehow people would figure it out. what were your yelp reviews. let's start with nikki glaser. >> sesks great but as usual after ( bleep ), he disappeared. >> sexy young lady in my bathroom was naked. hugged me. it got really old like in "the shining," but i was drunk whatever. recommend. >> that was a really good review. so you feel like jack torrence would have been like, eeeh. >> best ghost sex i ever had until someone told me rip torns still alive. ( laughter ) >> i'm going to give 500 to patton 250 to prong e150 to nikki glaser. as we go to our next game, tweets through time.
civilization has been around for literally thousands of years, you guys. >> not according to the bible. earth is only 6,000 years old thank you. go ahead with the category. >> thank you, thank you very much. unfortunately, twitter was not around for most of civilization, so i'm going to name an historical event and i want to you tell me what you would have tweeted about it. if your tweet is funny you will get 250 points. first one "titanic" sinks remember that hilarious event. >> this chick just let her boyfriend drown so she could stretch out on this frozen piece of wood. lo lo lo. >> next one, president lincoln shot. >> i did a tribute-- @johnwilkesbooth, assassinate my ( bleep ). >> yes! points! next one, the salem witch trials.
>> doing warm-up at the goody proctor trial next week. text wimpy-poo for ticket discounts. >> witchy-poo. >> witchy-poo. >> patton oswalt, points. >> nice. >> i feel left out. wyatt, i thought we were roasting these witches by make fun of them. maybe got lost in translation? #whogotmarshmallows. >> points. the next one, the invention of fire. >> fake. >> points! points! points! as we now move on to our next game, comedy club/strip club. comedy club/strip club. yelp is a phenomenal resource if you're looking for a laugh or a sad or a gyrating cry. comedian-- wait. not a sad. i have a sad now. comedians, for 250 points,
please tell me if the following lines for one-star yelp reviews are for a crappy comedy club or crappy strip club. here's the first one "nobody, and i mean nobody in our group urinated on themselves." >> comedy club? >> let's find out. that was, in fact, a comedy club. the american comedy club. the american comedy club is in soond yaig, california. the next one the girl with the jacked up teeth did nothing but complain about how she didn't want to be there. >> strip club? >> yes, that's a strip club. in lincoln park. michigan. >> that could be someone's act, though. "i don't want to be here." >> okay, here's the next one-- also there are polls that get in the way of your view depending on where you sit. nikki glaser. >> the comedy club. >> the american comedy club in
san diego again. >> again! who books that? >> it's the american comedy club, uncle sam. >> don't appreciate polish people getting-- >> no, you're misunderstanding. >> what year is it? >> you're misunderstanding. it's a polish guy she's griebd grinding against, spinning around. >> what are you doing? >> please, please, stop. all right it's time for our second live challenge. a geek crafting site we found a how-to tutorial for making a creepy doll mobile for halloween or every day for the criminally insane among us. i want you to give us a name for this charming new addition to your child's nightmare. you're going to name this particular doll mobile. we'll be right back after the break with more on "@midnight."
( cheers and applause ) >> welcome back to "@midnight." before the break it's probably still frozen in your eyesights we showed you a creepy dyi doll mobile, and i asked you guys to give this thing a name, that will surely haunt everyone's draem. what did you call this creepy mobile. >> the hey i may get drunk on halloween, lay off! child room's mobile. >> the my little goth shut-in
starter kit. >> start them early. make them mad. nikki glaser. >> worst mobile outside of alabama. >> my dad was born in mobile alabama so i'm giving you 1000 points. for those who live under a catless rock today is national cat day which apparently some on twitter realized it comes earlier and earlier every year. but this is this week. i've been planning it for weeks. in honor of national cat day, let's play rich cat/poor cat. there is a-- you can all have cheeseburgers. i'm sorry. i hate myself. there is now a tumblr where people post ridiculous pictures of cats surrounded by money called cash cat because people have way too much free time and our economy is flush with money. so i'm going to show you a picture and you guys have to tell me if it's from cash cats or some other absurd themed
catalog where they don't have any money. say rich cat or poor cat when i show the pictures. this is an adorable guy. rich cat or poor cat. >> family money rich cat. >> that is a rich cat. check this out, damn! that is the m.i.a. of cats. >> no! >> i'm so glad i guessed right. that cat would murder me. >> what season of the wire is that from? >> that's omar's best friend. >> oh yeahitious this black and white paul of fluff? >> poor cat. >> that's from cats that look like hitler. kittler. >> kittler. >> all right, how about this next guy with one eye? rich cat/poor cat? >> rich. >> yeah don't worry. he's loded. look at that. and a grenade. what?
is that all foreign money? oh my god. >> hold on what camera am i looking into one right now. just film me, right there. you're forgiven bin laden. there go ahead. >> good god. >> that cad catis so evil it should be stroking another little white cat. >> it's like the jason bourne of cats. this next one, this hairless cat... rich cat/poor cat? >> poor cat. >> that is a poor cat. that's from cats that look like putin. bam! there it is. i mean with the tie-- if our show was on in russia i'd be jailed for nine years for that. >> i thought it was cats that look like my cheesecake factory. ( laughter ) >> i have a question. does the cheesecake factory match the applebee's.
or is it separate? >> all right, guys. it is time for our final speed game. this will be the great equalizer today. this is called "cringe worthy. this is a game we played last week on reddit. a genius asked, using only three words, how much can you make me cringe? we liked the idea so much we made it a game. comedians you have 60 seconds and each time you have three words to make me cringe, sphwuz intuz in. 60 seconds on the clock. >> i'm wet do you see? >> points! >> curling iron dildo. >> yes! points! >> compound dick fracture. >> point. >> america's got talent. ( cheers and applause ) >> nikki? >> chris, it's yours. >> what! that is very personalized!
yes, 250 point. >> home schooled teens. >> points! >> vagina denta pinata. you knock it open and all... >> points, you got the points. you struck gold point. >> browner's last joke. >> wow! points! points! nikki glaser. >> singleup on the reunion. >> oh, god. >> i have to give you points for that. i have to give you point. >> thank you. >> all right matt, are you third i am so sorry, we have to eliminate you right now. do you and your delightful sweater have any last words? >> yes, we're going to die some day but i got the ( bleep ) bronze! yeah. >> follow matt braunger on twit
perp that means it's time for our head-to-head face-off for the win. you're in the chamber where it's on and everyone else is going to get their powrdz taken away. if you thought you saw scary costumes this week we unearthed a video on youtubeave man who wears a la tex mask year round. later, he will put the lotion in the basket. why is it when this guy does it, it's creepy but when tyler perry does it-- that's also creepy. during the break, please write the individual's okay cupid dating profile.
welcome back to "@midnight." >> this has been a damn fun show. this is the moment you've been waiting for. it's tim for, for the win. it's going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe. does that really have to be there right now? now it's just stareath me behind my black back and i'm getting an uncomfortable stress boner. i'm going to read the audience your answers. i'm not going to say who wrote what so you can decide democratically who is the funniest person. your challenge was to write a ok cupid profile for the person in this horrifying video we found. what was this person's profile. the first answer was-- do you hate your erection as much as i hate them? send me a link, and we'll watch them sink. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the person in that profile is ready mad at their own erection. the next one was? have you ever dreamt of
( bleep ) john travolta? i'm your lady. i think the first one has it. who was that? was that you, patten. >> me,. >> ladies and gentlemen, patton oswalt is our winner tonight. congratulations. it was close but you win. nikki, thank you so much. >> thank you. >> watch "nikki & sara live," see patton oswalt whenever you can. we'll see you tomorrow night. tweet us "@midnight" with your hashtag and it could become tomorrow's tweet of the day. captioning made possible by comedy central ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪